Labour 6 – The one with the birds

Home is where the heart is, is a quote attributed, at least on Yahoo answers, to Pliny the Elder; a gentleman of Roman persuasion who dabbled with philosophy and naval command, and who met his demise in the eruptions of Mount Vesuvius*, circa some-time in the past.

Mr Hercules, staring at his now bog-soaked toes sinking in to –well –the bog, was starting to doubt this soon** to be piece of instagram inspiration inspigram instipiration if you will. #labouredwordplay #desperation #sorandom #killmenowhera #willhelp.
As the taunting cackles from the taunting birds rose around his blush filled shoulders he decided he wasn’t in Kansas anymore*** and if he was going to be able to complete his quest of getting rid of these man-eating birds , he was going to have to become repellent, not just through means of his personality, and develop the ability to walk on marsh. Go-go-Gadget-Evolution. Or perhaps just seek help from a God like being, or literally a god. God. **** Cue the present/presence of some Haphaestus stamped Castanets.

Now home, in some cases – like on a Saturday for example, can be defined by at least 16 players of opposing loyalties, 2 umpires and a pitch upon which to run free (free within exacting boundaries and laws). Thus the L3s found themselves, quite by an accident of goodwill at home in Ravelston.

Thankfully, we could find some comfort we were playing in white.

This comfort was short lived.

This whistle blew, we stumbled and the team from Inverleith were upon us.

Think, Hitchcock’s Birds; feeding time at Trafalgar Square, featuring us as the bread: just when you thought you had all the players accounted for, you would look over your shoulder and there would three more all crying ‘mine, mine”. Yes, that is a Finding Nemo reference. It should surprise no-one it was around this time they scored a goal; whipping the ball round the D until they had blue sky, a hapless goalkeeper and a killer strike.

0-1. Cripes. This wasn’t the game plan.

It would be nice to report the situation immediately improved but the truth of the matter is that the Scottish Government could have run 30,000 homes off the amount of desperate energy we were producing as we frenziedly tried to scramble some vestige of defence. Whilst H had castanets forged in the smithy of the earth, we had to rely on the rattle from our compromised lungs.

First of all, we managed to hold them in our D
Then our 25.
It was a victory when we held it at the half line

We got a short corner – we didn’t score, but some say the familiarity settled us, for we won a second short corner and this time after some to and froing did the ball touch the net ? Thankfully not; it hit the backboard just as it should.
1-1, halftime and promised calming effect of sugar******

Now Hercules, emboldened by adaption, shook his rattle, scared the birds and sent them on their merry way courtesy of some arrows. Now with arrows having been banned on a pitch since at least Henry VIII’s time, though rumours********* suggest that perhaps not always when he was on the pitch, the L3s had to rely on the pin point accuracy of their passing to bypass the talons of their opposition. Let it not be said that this was always successful, but with the showdown resumed one goal was scored, then another and another. ************
3-1, and then, to the regret of a defender’s foot we had another short corner. Stepping up to the line was Barbara R, who stepped up to the line and the ball and in a brief second was inducted into the L3s short corner hall of fame.

4-1. And for our lungs, a relief.

For the Record Books:
Proof level during match: 7%
Proof level whilst writing report: ½ a bottle
Successful short corners: 2, but 2 out of 3.....66.6666666%!
Number of *** used: too many.

*life-time movie starring Nicolas Rage rumoured to be in the pipe line.
**in evolutionary terms
*** Proof through plagiarism that time is not linear*****
****sorry Athene
*****Not backed up by any referenced evidence, at least here.
****** Variation of an old favour – infused fruit pastilles, swanky. *******
******* and not as cost effective.
********unsubstantiated as all the best rumours are
********** Proof that much like playing in our interpretation of the white strip, fruit pastels never let us down?