Trick or Treat for Ladies 4s (The abridged version)

By Jenny Hughes

*some readers may find the content of this match report disturbing*

Never mind that we're all Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds in the league, this game was approached with trepidation for Ladies 4s due to a severe lack of players. At lunchtime we still didn't have a keeper, and at 2pm Alisa texted to say she was coming but that might not be fake tan on her leg, that old food poisoning chestnut. . Some of those skills you can't teach.

Captain Jodie stepped up to fill the pads, while we handed debuts to three new faces in the 4s line up including little sister of our goal machine Olivia. As we discussed tactics Jodie manoeuvred herself into the keeper, well, let's just say 'lady pouch' using a motion last seen in that tasteful German film *censored*. There are few times I wish push back would hurry up, but this was one of them.

The sun was low in the sky above Tipperlinn yet Edinburgh Uni inexplicably chose pushback rather than ends, so we started with the sun behind us. 4s were straight out the blocks with the Jones sisters terrorising our sun-dazzled opposition. It wasn't long before their supreme speed and agility was rewarded and at half time we left the field 3-0 to the good, Georgia having snared two goals and Olivia one.

We casually discussed defensive face masks in the interval in what turned out to be a premonition when, early in the second half, Leanne tried to take Jenny's head off with the ball. Only the Lightning self-preservation of a woman brought up in Liverpool prevented a black eye and some Halloween makeup to remember.

After 50 minutes, Carly's Scottish Slimmers stamina™ kicked in, and she excelled with several marauding runs down the right, setting up Georgia to complete her hattrick and bagging a well deserved goal herself.

Until this point Jodie had coped admirably as keeper, blocking shots with her eyes shut (literally). Maybe she was basking in a top-of-the-table glow, or maybe she was thinking about the Halloween cupcakes she had lovingly made for the team....either way, things got weird. A nothing shot/cross was pushed towards the goal and El Capitano assumed the position. She watched the ball trickle slowly towards her right post. It was going out, surely, it was going out! With the ball almost in safety, Jodie lifted her leg like a dog relieving itself and gasped as the ball rolled under her pad over the line....Like dribble that leaves an old man's mouth but doesn't quite reach his chin, the ball didn't even hit the backboard.

The howls of laughter from Watsonians temporarily baffled the opposition umpire, who wasn't sure whether to award a goal or shout 'trick or treat!'. But the goal stood.

Tied on points at the top of the league with a game in hand - catch us if you can!

Man of the Match - Olivia Jones
Supporter of the Match - Elizabeth Sweetman

If anyone would like the unabridged version of the report it is available in hardback in all reputable newsagents.